第一篇:《英语幽默笑话精选》
中大英才
英语幽默笑话精选 When a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. The conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said: "Wake up, sir!"
"I wasn't asleep," the man answered.
"Not asleep? But you had your eyes closed."
"I know. I just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car." 我没有睡着
当一群妇女上车之后，车上的座位全都被占满了。售票员注意到一名男子好象是睡着了，他担心这个人会坐过站，就用肘轻轻地碰了碰他，说：“先生，醒醒！”
“我没有睡着。”那个男人回答。
“没睡着？可是你眼睛都闭上了呀？”
“我知道，我只是不愿意看到在拥挤的车上有女士站在我身边而已。”
"You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend. "She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.
可怜的丈夫
“你根本无法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的难，”一个男人对他的朋友诉苦说，“她问我一个问题，然后自己回答了，过后又花半个小时跟我解释为什么我的答案是错的。”
中大英才
Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?
" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter." "Thanks be to..."
Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor
holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.
"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?" Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.
"Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!"
"Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"
The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."
父亲在哪儿？
中大英才 兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。
“看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀！”
“是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢？” 哥哥想了会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。”
The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog.
"It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?"
"Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"
狗也知道这个谚语吗？
一个小男孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。
“没有关系，”一位先生说，“不用害怕，你知道这条谚语吗：‘吠狗不咬人。’” “啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道吗？”
When a man called a motel and asked how much they charged for
a room, the clerk told him that the rates depend on room size and number of people. " Do you take children?" the man asked.
"No, sir," replied the clerk. "Only cash and credit cards."
中大英才 只算现金和信用卡【英语小笑话大全爆笑精选】
一个人打电话给一家汽车旅馆询问房租，旅馆的工作人员回答说 房租的多少取决于房间的大小和住客的人数。
“小孩儿算不算呢？”那人问道。
“不算，先生。”服务员回答，“我们只算现金和信用卡。”
A smart housewife was told that there was a kind of stove which would only consume half of the coal she was burning. She was very excited, and said: "That'll be terrific! Since one stove can save half of the coal, if I buy two, no coal will be needed!"
精明的家庭主妇
一位精明的家庭主妇听人说有一种炉子用起来可以比她现在用的炉子省一半的煤。她听了大为兴奋，说：“那太好了！一个炉子可以省一半的煤，那么如果我买两个炉子的话，不就可以把煤全都省下来了吗？”
The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled . His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum. Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.
When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.
"Was school all right?" she asked, "Did you get along all right? did you cry?" "Cry?" John asked. "No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!"
中大英才 可是老师哭了
六岁的约翰娇生惯养。他的父亲知道这一点，可他的祖父母仍然宠着他。这孩子几乎寸步不离他的祖母。他想要什么不是哭，就是闹。他第一天上学才离开祖母的怀抱。
约翰放学了，他奶奶在门口接他并问道：“学校怎么样？你过的好吗？哭了没有？” “哭？”约翰问，“不，我没哭，可老师哭了。”
When the young waitress in the café in Tom's building started waving hello everyday. Tom was flattered, for she was at least 15 years younger than he. One day she waved and beckoned to Tom again. When Tom strolled over, she asked, "Are you single?"
"Why, yes," Tom replied, smiling at her broadly.
"So is my mom," she said. "Would you like to meet her?"
约会
在汤姆工作的大楼里有一个咖啡屋，那儿总有一位小姐每天都和他打招呼。汤姆有些受宠若惊，因为这位小姐看上去至少比他年轻15岁。一天她又对汤姆招手并示意汤姆过去。于是汤姆走了过去。她问道，“您现在是单身吗？” “对，是单身，”汤姆满脸堆笑的说。 “我母亲也是，”她说，“您愿不愿意见见她？”
THE SCHOOL HEALTH FORMS had been distributed to the students with an error---the word "Sex" had been spelled with an "o". One mother, filling out the form for her son, wrote in the blank next to "Sox": "Usually brown."
某学校发给学生的健康调查表里有个错别字——把“性别”的“性”字写成了“袜”字。一位母亲在为她的儿子填写表格时，在“袜别”的那栏填上了：“棕色为主。”
[注] 英语中sex（性）与sox（袜）只有一个字母之差。
第二篇:《英语小笑话大全》
英语小笑话大全
1、He Won Tommy: How is your little brother Johnny Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself. Tommy: Thats too bad. How did that happen Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window and he won. 他赢了 汤姆约翰尼你小弟弟好吗 约翰尼他害病卧床了。他受了伤。 汤姆真糟糕怎么回事儿 约翰尼我们做游戏看谁能把身子探出窗外最远他赢了。
2、I Have His Ear in My Pocket Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked What happened
A kid bit me replied Ivan. Would you recognize him if you saw him again asked his mother. Id know him any where said Ivan. I have his ear in my pocket. 他的耳朵在我衣兜里 伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问“发生了什么事” “一个男孩咬了我一口”伊凡说。 “再见到他你能认出来吗”妈妈问。 “他走到哪里我都能认出他”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。”
3、A Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday I gave it to a poor old woman he answered. Youre a good boy said the mother proudly. Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman She is the one who sells the candy. 好孩子 小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。 “昨天给你的钱干什么了” “我给了一个可怜的老太婆”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢” “她是个卖糖果的。”
4、Drunk One day a father and his little son were going home. At this age the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now he asked Whats the meaning of the word Drunk dad Well my son his father replied look there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk. But dad the boy said theres only ONE policeman 醉酒 一天父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道“爸爸‘醉’字是什么意思” “唔孩子”父亲回答说“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个那么我就算醉了。” “可是爸爸 ”孩子说“那儿只有一个警察呀”
5、Hospitality The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guests plate. The visitor smiled put the cheese into his mouth and then said: You must have better eyes than your mother sonny. Where did you find the cheese In the rat-trap sir replied the boy. 好客 由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时家里没有奶酪了于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿他拿着一片奶酪回到房间把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说“孩子你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪” “在捕鼠夹上先生。”那小男孩说。【英语小笑话大全爆笑精选】
6、Nest and Hair My sister a primary school teacher was informed by one of her pupils that a
bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom. What kind of bird my sister asked. I didnt see the bird ma am only the nest replied the child. Then can you give us a description of the nest my sister encouraged her . Well maam it just resembles your hair. Notes: 1 inform v.告诉 2 nest n.窝巢 3 description n.描述 4 encourage v.鼓励 5 resemble v. 相似类似
7、鸟窝与头发 我姐姐是一位小学老师。一次一个学生告诉她说一只鸟儿在教室外 的树上垒了个窝。 “是什么鸟呢”我姐姐问她。 “我没看到鸟儿老师只看到鸟窝。”那孩子回答说。 “那么你能给我们描述一下这个鸟巢吗”我姐姐鼓励她道。 “哦老师就像你的头发一样。” Ive Just Bitten My Tongue Are we poisonous the young snake asked his mother. Yes dear she replied - Why do you ask Cause Ive just bitten my tongue Notes: 1 poisonous adj.有毒的 2 Cause Ive just bitten my tongue 因为我刚咬了自己的舌头。 句中 Cause 是 Because 的缩略形式。
8、我刚咬破自己的舌头 “我们有毒吗”一个年幼的蛇问它的母亲。 “是的亲爱的”她回答说“你问这个干什么” “因为我刚刚咬破自己的舌头。” A Woman Who Fell It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York Citys Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate a plump middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her however she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure she winked at me and said Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet 9、摔倒的女人 上下班高峰期我匆匆奔向纽约豪华中心站去赶一趟火车。接近门口一位肥胖的中年妇女从后面冲过来没想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了脚仰面滑倒了。她的惯性使她接近了我的脚。我正准备扶她她却自己爬了起来。她镇定了一下对我挤了一下眉说道“总是有漂亮女人拜倒在你脚下吗”
10、Q: Whats the difference between a monkey and a flea A: A monkey can have fleas but a flea cant have monkeys. 猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧
11、Q: How can you most irritate a farmer A: By treading on his corn 如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物他肯定会生气的而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼他会更生气。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”也有“鸡眼”的意思。
12、Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world A: The snail. It carries its house on its back. 因为snail蜗牛的后背上总是背着一所房子所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的。你说呢
13、Q: What do people do in a clock factory A: They make faces all day. 一看到make faces这个短语你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀因为除了这个意思以外它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面。
14、Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep A: Keep him awake. 怎样才能不让梦游者sleepwalker梦游walk in his sleep呢最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。虽然这不是治疗方法但如果让梦游者醒着呢他的确就不会去梦游了。
15、He is really somebody -- My uncle has 1000 men under him. -- He is really somebody. What does he do -- A maintenance man in a cemetery. 他真是一个大人物 -- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。 -- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的 -- 墓地守墓人。
16、Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience. At last she could not hold any more uttering. Trust me Sir and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America. 它们是从美国直接带来的 一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票看是否有假。 这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦最后实在忍耐不住说“相信我先生也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元它们是从美国直接带来的。”
17、my little dog cant read Mrs. Brown: Oh my dear I have lost my precious little dog Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers Mrs. Brown: Its no use my little dog cant read. 我的狗不识字 布朗夫人哦 亲爱的我把珍爱的小狗给丢了 史密斯夫人可是你该在报纸上登广告啊 布朗夫人没有用的我的小狗不认识字。”
18、Bring me the winner -- Waiter this lobster has only one claw. -- Im sorry sir. It must have been in a fight. -- Well bring me the winner then. 给我那个打赢的吧 -- 服务员 这个龙虾只有一只爪。 -- 对不起先生这只肯定打过架了。 -- 哦 那给我那个打赢的吧。
19、The mean mans party. The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment he said Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open push with your foot. Why use my elbow and foot Well gosh was the reply Youre not coming empty-hangded are you 吝啬鬼请客 一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说“你上到五楼找中间那个门然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后再用你的脚把门推开。” “为什么要用我的肘和脚呢” “你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪你总不会空着手来吧”吝啬鬼回答。
20.Mother: I left two pieces of cake in the cupboard this morning Johnny and now there is only one piece left. Can you explain that Johnny: Well I suppose it was so dark that I didn’t notice the other. 妈妈约翰尼我今天早上在橱子里放了两块点心。现在就剩下一块了。你能解释一下吗 约翰尼嗯我想是因为里面太黑我没看到另外那块。幽默笑话
21.A little boy was practicing his violin while his father sat reading the newspaper. The family dog began to howl along dismally. Finally the father could endure the combination no more and said Cant you play something the dog doesnt know 一个小男孩在练习小提琴他的父亲在读报纸。随着小男孩的琴声家里养的狗也开始高一声低一声的叫起来。最后小男孩的父亲实在忍不下去了说“难道你就不能拉一些狗听不懂的曲子吗”
22.The zoo built a special eight-foot-high enclosure for its newly acquired kangaroo but the next morning the animal was found hopping around outside. The height of the fence was increased to 15 feet but the kangaroo got out again. Exasperated the zoo director had the height increased to 30 feet but the kangaroo still escaped. A giraffe asked the kangaroo How high do you think theyll build the fence I dont know said the kangaroo. Maybe a thousand feet if they keep leaving the gate unlocked. 动物园为刚引进的袋鼠建了一个特殊的八英尺高的围墙。但是第二天早上人们发现这动物在围墙外面蹦跳着。于是围墙高度增加到十五英尺但袋鼠还是跑了出来。动物园经理甚感恼火又叫人把围墙高度加到三十英尺但袋鼠还是逃了出来。一个长颈鹿问袋鼠“你认为他们会把围墙建到多高”
第三篇:《爆笑的经典英语小笑话》
爆笑的经典英语小笑话
英语笑话（一）
老师在黑板上写了一句：Time is money.并让同学们翻译。有名学生答道：“汤姆是玛丽。”
小明上英文课时跟老师说：May I go to the toilet?
老师说：Go ahead.
小明就坐了下来。过了一会儿，小明又跟老师说：May I go to the toilet? 老师说：Go ahead.
小明又坐了下来。他旁边的同学于是忍不住问：你不是跟老师说要上厕所吗？怎么不去？
小明说：你没听老师说「去你个头」啊！
英语笑话（二）
某日刘洪涛遇到外宾，上前搭话曰：I am hongtao liu，外宾曰：我TM还是方片七呢！ 英语笑话（三）
江青会见外宾，要求翻译要严格按她的意思翻，不许走样。外宾一见到江青，立刻拍马屁道："Miss Jiang, you are very beautiful." 翻译照翻，江青心花怒 放，嘴上还要谦虚一下：“哪里，哪里”。
翻译不敢怠慢，把江青的话翻成英文："Where? Where?" 外宾一愣，还有这样的人，追问哪里漂亮的，干脆马屁拍到底："Everywhere, everywhere."
翻译：“你到处都很漂亮。”江青更高兴了，但总是要客气一下：“不见得，不见得”。翻译赶紧翻成英文："You are not allowed to see, you are not allowed to see." 英语笑话（四）
话说某年某月的某一天，叁个神箭手约在一起比箭，目标是十尺外仆人头上的苹果。A神箭手挽弓长射，咻一声，利箭正中苹果。A高傲的昂起下巴，比出一根大 拇指道：「I AM后羿！」
B神箭手照本宣科，射中苹果，这回他自大的喊了一句：「I AM丘比特！」
轮到C了，他也挽弓，利箭射出！ 结果正中仆人的心脏。就听他结结巴巴好久才吐出一句：「I...I...I...AM...SORRY...」【英语小笑话大全爆笑精选】
英语笑话（五）
某人刻苦学习英语，终有小成。一日上街不慎与一老外相撞， 忙说：I am sorry.
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